We all need to have a conversation about how we raise, discipline and communicate with our children. Parents, especially of African descent, have certain ideas about how to discipline children when they do wrong. We’re quick to acknowledge their mistakes and shortcomings, but slow to reward and encourage their positive behavior. Would you ever ask your kids if there are things that you could do that would make you a better parent? The answer might be a defensive no, and the logic might be that children don’t know what they want and that they should listen and do what their parents say and ask of them.
As a parent, I can imagine where these fears may be coming from. When you give your children an opportunity to be open and honest, they will most likely suggest better ways to correct their misbehavior and teach you how to be a healthier parent and a healthier human being. But if you are afraid to face your fear and see your reflection in their eyes; if you are afraid to face their honest truth about the way you parent, you won’t feel comfortable opening that line of conversation.
As parents, we are not perfect. No one teaches us how to be parents, we’re all doing the best we know how. So, if we don’t see parenting as a partnership between parents and the children, we are psychologically failing our children. We are hurting our kids when we think we own them instead of understanding that they are a gift to their purpose. We have an opportunity to raise someone who will help and heal their community and their loved ones. Having an open line of communication and valuing their opinions will build trust and healthier relationships with us. We are hurting them when we’re quicker to punish them for their inadequacies instead of encouraging them when they do good. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying to only see the good they do, because they’re human beings and will fall short and will need your guidance and clarity. But remember you see clearer the things you look at through magnifying lenses. The plants you water and care for the most will be the ones to blossom more beautifully. So, cherish their positive behavior, speak life into the good things they do when they do them. Encourage them by rewarding them when they do the right things because when they do the wrong things you won’t hesitate to punish them. The more we focus on their misbehavior, the more we encourage negative behavior. We are teaching them to expect the worst in others and subsequently act negatively in order to protect themselves.
Part of our responsibility as parents is to lead our children into adulthood, guide them through paths that will hopefully lead them to their purpose. As part of that process, we will have to correct some of their behavior and choices at times. But for most parents who are still broken and wounded, disciplining your children shouldn’t mean abuse, it should involve correcting and teaching them in ways that are positive and encouraging so they have a more positive attitude about doing the right thing. It’s an opportunity to pause, change direction, teach or perhaps connect with them in a vulnerable and not so glorifying moment. Cursing and screaming at your children, won’t help them; it will hurt them emotionally and spiritually. Showing aggression and anger towards them when they don’t get it right, has everything to do with your mental stability, not necessarily their actions.
Conversely, some parents feel the need to reward their children with whatever they do in order to maintain their love and affection. But rewarding doesn’t mean spoiling; it doesn’t mean crippling, and it doesn’t mean making unhealthy sacrifices. It means acknowledging and appreciating good behavior. Don’t destroy your children’s morale by giving them everything they want and expect.
Growing up in Haiti, where slavery is still embedded in the culture, adults don’t explain anything to children; no means no, and no questions asked. But understand that it is the master’s way, it’s not the healthy way. You wouldn’t want someone yelling at you and being aggressive with you on a regular basis; it’s not healthy for your children and it’s not healthy for you as parents either. Living in constant emotional turmoil will take a toll on your mental wellbeing. Teaching your children humility, and how to appreciate sacrifices that you or others make for them will lessen some of their emotional struggles as adults. Creating healthy memories that they will treasure for the rest of their lives is much more important than the materialistic goods you try to buy their affections with.
I remember listening to this country singer telling a story about how his father taught him how to drive an old truck and later on, how he taught his daughters to drive with the memories of his father, hoping that one day his daughters will teach their children in memory of him. At the end of the day, that’s really all we have. Those loving memories, the ones we can pass down to future generations. They may not notice the sacrifices you make to give them a stable living environment until they’re adults, but they’ll remember moments they spent with you. Spend time with them, acknowledge their efforts to please you and to do the right thing. Teach and guide them; never degrade and belittle them out of fear and anger.
